Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Back with Da-bang(g)

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) was invited to the Dabangg success party at Shatrughan Sinha's house. She almost fell off her portable treehouse when she saw the invitation addressed to her. But then she saw the tagline at the back of the card - 'Arbaaz Khan Productions. Publicity ke liye sala kuchh bhi karega.' - and it all made sense.

Even though SSSK reached the place exactly on time, it was already crowded. She somehow managed to push her way through and find the main cast.

Malaika (pokes Arbaaz in the ribs) - Oh shit. She's here.

Arbaaz (howls in pain) - Ouch! I told you not to do that, Malaika! You're all bones. It hurts!

Malaika (gives Arbaaz a dirty look) - She's here!

Arbaaz - Who??

Malaika - SSSK...

Salman - Who is SSSK?

Malaika - That third-class reporter who climbs trees... writes trash... cracks bad jokes and laughs at them herself... We need all the publicity we can get, so I sent her an invitation too. Beware of her, she's 100% cuckoo and tends to ask very uncomfortable questions...

SSSK walks towards the Khans.

SSSK - Hello, Khan-daan! (giggles uncontrollably at her own joke)

Malaika gives her a dirty look. Everyone else politely nods at SSSK.

SSSK takes out her notepad and a pencil and gets started.

SSSK - So Salman, congratulations on the hit. What a comeback after Veer!

Salman - Thank you, thank you.

SSSK - So what made you cast Sonu Sood as the bad guy? His body looked so much better than yours!

Salman - Ughhh... not this question again.

SSSK - Well?

Salman (in a depressed tone) - Well, I had already cast him long ago. I was labelled fat in Veer so I thought I'd train and get my abs back to show off in Dabangg. Looks like Sonu had trained harder.

SSSK - Then why didn't you simply replace him? Say with... Daler Mehendi?

Salman - Sigh... you know me. Ek baar jo maine commitment kar diya... toh main khud ki bhi nahin sunta. (grins proudly)

SSSK - That's a line from Wanted.

Salman - Erm. Don't you have questions for Arbaaz and Malaika?

SSSK - Sure, let's go with Arbaaz first.

Arbaaz (under his breath) - Oh crap.

SSSK - So Arbaaz, why are you in all of Salman's movies???

Arbaaz - Uhh... errr...

SSSK - Thank you. Malaika, why are you always doing item numbers? Do bache ho gaye, kuchh toh sharm karo.

Malaika - Duh! I'm hot, that's why. (walks off)

Salman - Erm. Come, I'll introduce you to Sonakshi.

SSSK is introduced to Sonakshi.

SSSK - So Sonakshi, how was it working with a superstar like Salman? Scary?

Sonakshi - Salman se darr nahin lagta, SSSK. Flop ho jaane se lagta hai.

SSSK - Arre wah, tum toh abhi bhi Dabangg mode mein ho.

Shatrughan Sinha walks towards them.

SSSK - Shatruji, badhaai ho. Beti ki picture hit ho gayi.

Shatrughan (raises both hands and looks up) - Sab ooparwale ki meherbani hai.

SSSK - Achha? Salman second floor par rehta hai????

Shatrughan - KHAAMOSH!

SSSK - Sorry sorry, just couldn't resist that. Waise, Sonakshi looked good in the movie. Hemaji ki yaad aa gayi.

Shatrughan (beaming) - Really? Hemaji??

SSSK - Yeah! It's been a long time since we saw a fat heroine in our movies, no? Very refreshing.

Shatrughan - KHAAAMOSH!!

SSSK - Sorry sorry. Next question. So now that Sonakshi's career is set, what is next?

Shatrughan - Well, next we're going to work on Luv's debut.

SSSK - Erm, didn't Luv already debut in the superflop Sadiyaan?

Shatrughan - KHAAAMOSH!!!

SSSK - Sorry sorry. So Salman is helping with Luv's debut too?

Shatrughan - Oh yes, Salman is like family now. We're all working like a family to promote Luv.

SSSK - Even Kush?

Shatrughan - Of course!

SSSK - Of course. Luv ke liye sala Kush bhi karega...

Shatrughan - KHAAAMOSH!!!!

SSSK - Sorry sorry. Waise I think Luv and Kush should both join politics and become MPs like you.

Shatrughan - Really? What makes you think that?

SSSK - Naah, then you three can call yourselves MP3. Heh heh heh!

Shatrughan - KHAAAMOSH!!!!!

SSSK - Sorry sorry. I must go find Sonu Sood.

SSSK walks towards Sonu Sood. Suddenly a girl screams, "Sonuuuu! Sonu is here???!!!!" Many hot girls scream and run towards where Sonu and SSSK are standing. Sonu Sood grins to himself, adjusts his hair and puts on sunglasses.

The girls come to a screeching halt.

One of the girls - Uhh... this is not Sonu Nigam. Who said Sonu is here??

Uncomfortable silence surrounds them. All the girls retreat. Sonu takes off his sunglasses, puts them back in his pocket and leaves the party in gloom.

SSSK finds Arbaaz again who is really drunk and is humming "Zandu balm Zandu balm peeda-haari balm".

SSSK - So Arbaaz, what is with the Zandu balm lawsuit?

Arbaaz - I don't know what's wrong with those people. They make a painkiller but they themselves are a pain! They paid us to put their name in the song and now they're suing us. Bloody leeches, trying to maximise publicity. And they succeeded too. In fact, they owe us big time. Their sales sky-rocketed right after the movie!

SSSK - Really?

Arbaaz - Oh yes, people rushed out in flocks to buy Zandu balm right after the movie! Some couldn't even wait till the end of the movie, they ran out during the interval itself! How cool is that??

SSSK - ...

Friday, September 24, 2010

Wet blanket

So there's literally no one... NO ONE... in my family (immediate or extended) whom I can discuss ghazals with. Sure, my mom likes to listen to them but she doesn't understand all the words and sure as hell does not want to sit down with me to analyse them. I do understand her situation though. I'd run too if someone asked me to sit with them and analyse lyrics by say, Lady Gaga.

As for Viv, well, the only 'ghazal' he is familiar with is the verb generally associated with beer - guzzle. However, he generally pretends to be interested in song lyrics, but only because he's trying to change them to his tune (sample this).

So today I decided to give him a basic tutorial in deconstructing ghazal lyrics. He seemed pretty keen. I picked a relatively simple one and recited it to him.

Dard jab teri ataa hai toh gila kisse karein?

"So what did you understand?" I asked.

"Hmmm... Say it again?" He said.

I said it again.

Dard jab teri ataa hai toh gila kisse karein?

Pat came his answer: "Paani se!!"


Monday, September 20, 2010

Mexican rice

So I made Mexican rice for dinner today and that's when I remembered that the bar hasn't seen a recipe in quite some time. It's a quite a healthy dish (till you reach the part with the cheese, heh heh!) and you can make in 45 minutes (less if you're using leftover rice).

Green pepper, 1 medium
Red pepper, 1 medium
Babycorn, 1 can
Rice, 1 cup
Olive oil, 2 tablespoons
Garlic, 2 fat cloves, grated
Salsa habanera, 2 tablespoons
Any seasoning salt that looks like it will go with Mexican food
Mexican oregano
Mozzarella cheese, 4 tablespoons, grated
Salt to taste

These are the salsa habanera and seasoning salt I used. I bought these in the US, but I'm pretty sure you'll find alternatives in every country. Tension nahin lene ka -- just look for a Mexican-looking/sounding sauce. This particular brand is the killer kind. If you shrugged your shoulders and said, "Two tablespoons se mera kya hoga?", trust me -- bahut kuchh hoga.

1. Wash and soak the rice in water.

2. Cut the peppers into thin strips.

3. Wash the canned babycorn and cut into halves.

4. Mix the pepper and babycorn pieces in a glass bowl. Add 5 tablespoons of water and microwave on high for 10 minutes.

5. Meanwhile, put the rice to boil. I usually make it by boiling it in water and draining the excess starch, as I like the grains to stay separate. I don't think this will work very well with rice cooked in a rice cooker or pressure cooker.

6. Heat the olive oil and add the grated garlic.

7. Add the microwaved vegetables.

8. Add salt, 2 tablespoons of the salsa habanera and a dash of the seasoning salt and oregano. Mix well.

9. Add the cooked rice. Mix well.

10. Turn off the heat and put the rice and vegetables in a glass bowl (I just reuse the first one).

11. Cover the top with grated cheese.

12. Microwave on medium for about 5 minutes (or till the cheese melts).

13. Dig in!

Serves 3 (or 2, if a very hungry Viv is involved)

1. You can skip the cheese if you want, but beware, by skipping the cheese, you're messing with the sanctity of the dish.
2. If you really really REALLY want to skip the cheese, I have a great alternative. Don't skip the cheese. Hit the gym.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Tuned out

I am really REALLY annoyed. As they say, aaj toh hadd hi ho gayi.

You know how when you're listening to the radio and the RJ asks a question and you're scrambling for the phone so you can sms the answer before anyone else can? Well, I don't. Because there is no point. The questions asked on the channel that I listen to for my daily dose of Bollywood songs are so dumb and easy that by the time you unlock your phone, one of the 38475900283746483 gen-sms kids would have already walked away with the prize.

At least that's what I thought.

So today, the RJ asks, "Name the movie in which Shah Rukh Khan plays a guy who directs musical plays."

My first reaction was rather tame: ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME??

Come on, if you're going to ask a question that's supposed to identify a real Bollywood fan, ask something like 'How many actresses can you name who have acted opposite all the three Khans - Shah Rukh, Salman and Aamir?' Give the prize to the one who can name the most.

Anyway, so that was her question. SRK as a musical play director. Ugh. Sanjay Dutt's unborn twins could answer it.

Oh wait, it got worse. She then proceeded to say, "As a clue, I'll play a song from that movie." And she played 'Bholi si soorat'. Man. She might as well have played the title song!

Why was she doing it??? Well, I had my answer half an hour later.

It turns out she had not received any answers.


Finally she got an sms, which she shamelessly read out loud. The sms-er had asked, "Can you give another clue?"


So she gave another clue -- that the movie featured one of the prominent dancing stars of Bollywood.

I was cooking, so as I flitted in and out of the kitchen, I would catch snatches of what she was saying. At last count, her exact words were, "The movie featured Shah Rukh Khan and Madhuri Dixit. You can sms me your answer at..."


Seriously, what is the world coming to????

Is this the matrix?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

PR ke side effects

So Permanent Residents (PRs) in Singapore are in a great state of agitation over this piece of news. Here's an excerpt:

Government encourages more Singapore PRs to take up citizenship

SINGAPORE: The Singapore Government is moving to encourage more Permanent Residents in the country to take up citizenship.

Senior Minister Goh Chok Tong said some PRs will be approached to become citizens and if they don't do so, their status will not be renewed.

Immigration was one of many issues tackled during a dialogue session with over 200 residents from Marine Parade to gather feedback on the Prime Minister's National Day Rally.

SM Goh did not give details on getting PRs to take up citizenship.

"Moving forward, we are going to approach some of them to take up Singapore citizenship, if they don't then their PR will not be renewed. That's a better way.

"We now have quite a few PRs, 500,000 in Singapore, so hopefully maybe 50,000 can be selected to become Singapore citizens, the rest can be PRs, contributing to Singapore's economy," he said.

My friends and I have been having a hot debate on this over email, with some very varied views, and it struck me that I could open this up at the bar and see what other NRI bewdas feel about taking up citizenship of the countries they live in.

Would you take it if it's offered to you?

Saturday, September 04, 2010

The cast system

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) finds out that the Kapoors are having an audition to select the cast for the sequel to Mr. India. Boney Kapoor had been talking about the sequel for quite some time and finally it looked like things were moving. Meanwhile, Shekhar Kapur was last known to be thunking his head on a pillar.

Anyway, SSSK reaches the audition venue, finds a suitable tree from where she can record the proceedings using her pencil and notepad, and makes herself comfortable on one of the branches.

A large group of relatively good-looking young men are sitting in a hall, some showing off their bodies, while others looking plainly nervous. Suddenly Sanjay Kapoor appears with a clipboard. Standing next to him is a rather pudgy-looking fella in glasses who goes by the name of Arjun (click here to see photo).

Sanjay (looks around at the group) - So Arjun, what do you think?

Arjun (looks around) - Naah... none of them are suitable for the role. Tch! They're all too bony.

Hunky guy nearest to them (gets up and shows his fist) - Abbe! Kaun hai be tu? Muscle dekha hai? Abs dekha hai? Bony kisko bola re? Huh huh? Bony kisko bola? Bony hoga tera baap!!

Arjun (smiles and backs off) - Yes yes, that is actually correct. Mera baap Boney hai. Boney Kapoor.

Murmurs of "Abbe Boney Kapoor ka beta hai..." and "Ab toh apna koi chance nahin..." and "Dhakkan lagta hai lekin baap toh isi ko cast karega" and "Chal nikalte hain" are heard through the hall and soon it is empty.

Sanjay and Arjun go inside where Boney Kapoor, Anil Kapoor and Sridevi are busy discussing the script.

Sridevi - So... how's it looking outside?

Arjun - Erm, there is no one outside.

Sanjay glares at Arjun.

Arjun - What? There IS no one outside!

Anil (to Boney) - Dekha Bhaiya? I told you! These youngsters can't do it. Look at me, I still look so young! Everyone is saying that. I'm telling you -- I can play Arun again.

Sridevi - Uh, I always thought you were playing Arun again. I mean, if I'm playing Seema again... Wait a minute... Isn't that so? (turns towards Boney)

Boney - Erm... *cough cough*

Sridevi (to Sanjay) - Sanju, what's happening? Am I in the movie or not??

Sanjay - Of course you're in the movie, Bhabhi!

Sridevi (still looking at them suspiciously) - And my role is...?

Arjun - Erm, you will be in Mala D...

Sridevi - WHAT?! MALA D??????

Sanjay - Bhabhi, he means Mala of Death. Tu bhi na Arjun...

Sridevi - MALA OF DEATH????

Sanjay - Oh yes, we'll have a picture of you on the wall with a mala. To indicate that you are... you know... (looks up and shakes his head)

Sridevi (gives Boney a furious look) - And that's all I get??

Boney - Gulp. Of course not, dear. You'll get to pick the picture too.

Sridevi - Oh wow. Really? May I ask why I will be confined to the wall?

Sanjay - The sequel is set in the future na Bhabhi, that's why. Wayyy in the future. When both Arun and Seema are... (looks upwards and shakes his head)

Sridevi - You killed us??

Sanjay - Bhabhi, there's nothing wrong with being killed in the sequel. Look at Preity Zinta... even she played Mala D in Krrish, no? If she can do it... And she's so young.... (clams up upon receipt of dagger-eyes from Sridevi).. I mean you're also very young...

Anil (clears his throat and declares proudly) - Speaking of looking young...

Boney (irritated) - Shut up, Anil. Not again.

Anil (meekly) - Ok.

Boney - Ok, so that's decided. Both Anil and Sri will be on the wall.

Anil and Sridevi sulk.

Boney - We will have a fresh young pair in the lead instead.

Anil - Fresh young pair chahiye?? Arre pehle bolna tha na! Sonam ko le lo!! Fresh bhi, young bhi. Ghar ki baat hai, fees par bhi discount!

Boney (holds his head in his hands in frustration) - Bas karo, tum log!!

Arjun - I agree with Papa. Waise bhi, Sonam is too thin. Matching achhi nahin lagegi.

Anil - Matching? Abbe kaahe ki matching??

Arjun - I mean, mere saath... she's too bony... everyone these days is so bony...

Anil - Tere saath?? Tu hero hai?

Arjun - I would think so... no, dad?

Boney - Sigh... ek aur aa gaya queue mein... Dekho Arjun, self-made man bano, don't rely on fathers and Godfathers. Apne dum par hero bankar dikhao!

Sanjay (suddenly alert) - Bhaiya, aapne mere baare mein nahin socha?? Ab meri toh self-made man banne ki umar bhi nahin rahi. If Anil is dead in the movie, I mean... I should be next in line, no?

Boney - Chup! Sab ke sab chup! Yeh khandani picture hai iska matlab yeh nahin ki bhai-behen and chacha-bhatiji will act opposite each other!

Anil - But the other Kapoors did it all the time... Shashi Kapoor and Randhir Kapoor acted opposite Neetu Singh...

Boney - Chhee chhee! We are the shareef kind of Kapoors. We won't do that.

Anil - Okay, can I be Mogambo?

Boney - Mogambo?! Tu pagal ho gaya hai? Tujhe bacha kucha career barbaad karna hai? Jab hero apni movie ke remake ya sequel mein villain banta hai, toh pata hai kya hota hai? Aag lag jaati hai aag!

Sanjay - You mean RGV ki aag??

Boney - Heh heh. Correct.

Sanjay - Bhaiya, phir main Calendar ban jaaun?? Woh role toh mujhe de do?

Boney - Offo! I don't want to cast my family members in my movie. Besides, I want Arshad Warsi for the role of Calendar.

Sanjay - Arshad maan jayega? Thoda chhota role nahin hai uske liye? He was Circuit after all. Circuit se Calendar? Thoda analog ho gaya, nahin?

Boney - Theek hai, character ka naam badal denge. Digital Calendar?

Everyone looks at one another and rolls their eyes.

Boney - Achha woh doosre room mein dekho heroine ke audition ke liye kaun kaun aayi hai? I really need a big star.

Sanjay goes into the next room where he finds Sushmita Sen, Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan, Dia Mirza, Tanushree Dutta and Celina Jaitley.

Sanjay - Wow... This is so great. So many of you! So what made you decide to come for the audition?

Tanushree and Celina (under their breath) - Kya karein... Aur kahin kaam nahin mil raha hai...

Aishwarya - Duh! We've all held the Miss India title. Mr. India ke opposite Miss India. Duh!

All the other ladies echo the "Duh!"

Suddenly Neha Dhupia rushes in.

Neha - OMG. Am I late?? Mujhe abhi abhi sms aaya ki saari Miss Indias are here.

Sanjay - Arre Neha, tum? Sorry yaar lekin this movie is not suitable for you. Us type ka role nahin hai....

Neha (startled) - What do you mean us type ka? Kis type ka?

Sanjay - You know... jis type ka tum karti ho... tumhaari har movie mein... yeh thoda... erm, family movie type hai.

Neha gets offended and storms off. The other ladies giggle bitchily.

Arjun walks in.

Arjun - Chachu, what is happening?

Sanjay (happily grins at Arjun) - Look, Arjun! So many of them!

Arjun (looks around) - Tch! They're too thin yaar... these days everyone is too thin yaar...

Sanjay - Lekin thin heroine is hit heroine. And we have so many to choose from! Let me go inside and tell Bhaiya, he will be so thrilled.

Arjun - Ek minute, Chachu.

Sanjay - Kya hua?

Arjun (to the Miss Indias) - Ladies, I am really sorry but the hero is 5'2" and all of you are too tall for him. Sorry.

Sushmita - Ugh. Not again. I will never find a guy who is taller than me. Ever! Bachpan mein itna skipping nahin karna chahiye tha...

Aishwarya - Skipping? You too, Sush? Main bhi karti hoon. I toh skip every other meal!

All the ladies shake their heads and leave the hall, murmuring "Arre crown ka toh kuchh faayda hi nahin hua yaar..."

Sanjay (looks at Arjun in surprise) - Huh? Arjun, what did you mean when you said 'The hero is 5'2"'? Who is 5'2"?

Arjun (displays an evil grin) - Me. Papa ne bola tha na... Aise bante hain self-made men in Bollywood.

In search of the truth - III

Yikes, I just realised I had missed posting the keywords post for August. I only remembered when someone said that they really like these posts. I shamelessly took that as a compliment in full view of the fact that my contribution to such posts is only the generic first paragraph. Anyway, here it is, a list of keywords very disturbed folks recently searched for and landed, for some very disturbing reason, at the bar.
  • Girls playing with there boys frand in uk
  • namaskar india, mee goreng
  • jee le jee le aayo ayao jee le le-tarzan film songs
  • paisa sood samet
  • mrityu sabse bada shikshak quotes
  • chuck ke rakh movi.com
  • shankarteja family photos
  • main tane prem karu bachchan
  • rongoboti ah rongoboti
  • bharta smells like
  • ya.ali
  • reding shayeri
  • Sexy sayeri
  • aasama ko dharti pe lane dj mix
  • hot she males sexy
  • motival tablets kabootar
  • govinda and Juhi aa gale lag ja dialogue
  • Aasman ko dharti pe lanewala chahiye
  • sayesha indian idol
  • Aap Jaisa Koi Meri Zindagi Mein Aaye mean
  • dialogue after slap from dil chahta hai
  • things that make life worth living
  • bar taglines
  • rocks
  • what is the border line weight to ride a horse
  • shaan tum jo hasti ho to yeh sara
  • short skirt science
  • bahut pakaya in english