The swan song

Phew!

April has ended, and it has done so on a bittersweet note.

Doing the A-Z blogathon this year was a super fun ride, and I know I'll miss thinking of and hunting for crazy songs to regale you with. At the same time, I'm also relieved that it is over. Because it sure was exhausting. I was battling multiple deadlines at work, Xena had lots of assignments and tests to prepare for, and with Viv gone on his annual teerth-yatra business trip to Vegas, and me having to manage everything, it was not easy. April never is, and I ask myself every year why I do this and whether it would be considered cheating if I simply did the blogathon in another month instead. (Yes, it would be.)

But this year's A-Z blogathon felt different. I know it doesn't make sense, but it felt easier as well as more difficult to come up with songs rather than random thoughts for the 26 letters. I also picked up the amazing millennial skill of gif-making, which I am still so excited about that I want to go put it on my resume.

In the last one month, I have watched wayyyy more bad songs than anyone should ever have to. And that too, multiple times before deciding they were worthy, and then multiple times again when creating the gifs. Yes, I am scarred for life.

And YouTube is not helping. My current YouTube 'recommended for you' list is mortifying. If anyone saw it, they'd look at me, tsk, shake their heads and walk away.

Another side effect was that the songs would get stuck in my head, and even if I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, my brain would be humming 'Gali gali mein pani hai' or 'Barah maheene line mari'. Whenever I'd be in a cheerful mood, suddenly I'd hear 'O happy in my heart dil dance maare re' in my head. And it's not just me. My lovely songs have touched many lives. When Viv came back, I made him watch the Dreamum Wakeuppum song, and 15 minutes later, I heard him singing to himself, "Dreamum, wakeuppum, breakfast mein uttappam".

The song that got really badly stuck in my head was the susu song. I had to literally shut my mouth so I wouldn't end up singing it aloud — Xena would pick it up in a flash and share it at school, especially in Hindi class and I'd be that mother that corrupted an entire class of kids.

There were some songs that didn't make it to the list for emotional reasons. For example, there are several Sridevi songs that would neatly fit in this blogathon, but I just couldn't get myself to make fun of her songs. Not that I am a fan, but it's just too early.

There are so many other songs that didn't make it for various reasons, and I'm wondering if I should do this for next year's blogathon as well. I can't let these precious finds go to waste. They have to be shared with the world, especially with the folks whose lives have not been touched by these gems. Like a friend said, "Yeh kaunse patthar ke neeche ke khopche se did you dig these songs out?"

Thank you all for your emails, comments, messages and encouragement. They meant a lot to me and kept me motivated throughout the blogathon. I will now go and respond to all the blog comments, after which I plan to go into hibernation for a while and then focus on updating my travel blog.

I also need to immediately go and listen to a LOT of normal songs so that my YouTube recommended list goes back to its old glory. Coke Studio, here I come.

Thanks for the love, bewdas and bewdis. I will miss you like mango.

PS: Btw, do let me know which songs touched you in particular.

Z is for 'Zindagi main tujhi par lutaunga'

No, I have not forgotten the promise I made in my 'Gali gali mein pani hai' song. How could I end the blogathon without a song from the so-bad-it's-good Jaani Dushman: Ek Anokhi Kahani? In fact, how could I even think of ending a blogathon like this without a naagin song?

For the uninitiated, Jaani Dushman: Ek anokhi Kahani is a naag-naagin movie from 2002, starring...

[let me take a deep breath for this]

...Akshay Kumar, Manisha Koirala, Sunny Deol, Sunil Shetty, Aftab Shivdasani, Sharad Kapoor, Sonu Nigam, Arshad Warsi, Armaan Kohli, Aditya Pancholi, Sharad Kapoor, Atul Agnihotri, Jaspal Bhatti, Rambha, Raj Babbar, Amrish Puri and Johnny Lever.

Yes, you read that right. Basically, the producers just went around ringing a bell and yelling, "Role le lo, role le lo!"

This song is a love song between our Naag and Naagin. They are somewhere up on a mountain.

The fog clears, and we are introduced to producer ka beta Armaan Kohli, also our main Naag-man.

Check out his naag-eyes.

Manisha Koirala, our Naagin, is singing 'Aaa jaaaa', though the background reminds me of Frozen's 'Let it go'.

And here are our Naag-Naag-Naagin on heaven's door.
(Not my original joke btw; read 'naag-naag-naagin on heaven's door' in some joke/meme somewhere and fell down laughing)

This movie had a huge VFX budget, and the producers made sure they got every penny's worth. 

The number of background changes in this song is mind-boggling. You name it, you see Naag-Naagin dancing there. 

After dancing on many, many substrates, they finally reach the one that will bring them their doom. 

They decide to dance on top of a cave, not realising that...

Right under them is a poor sage, aka Amrish Puri, trying to meditate. 

But how can he, with these two dancing like this? 

Oh boy. Mogambo khush nahin hua.

Enjoy this song, and after enjoying it, please go and enjoy the movie too. It is amazing and has amazing scenes like this. 

I will go so far as to say that you can't call yourself a true blue Bollywood fan if you have not watched Jaani Dushman: Ek Anokhi Kahani. 

Y is for 'Yaad sataaye teri neend churaaye'

Today's song has a strong social message.

It teaches you that you can be anything you want to be.

No, wait. Let me rephrase that.

It teaches you that you can be anything you want to be — as long as your bae is agreeable to spending her life doing nothing but dancing in apsara costumes for you.

The song is set at a beach, with ladies in colourful costumes, dancing amidst carefully balanced colourful pots, carefully balanced cardboard sitars and random background explosions involving leftover colours from Holi.

No, seriously. Check this out.

A David Dhawan movie featuring hero no. 1 and heroine no. 1, and no budget for real sitars??

Anyway, so our heroine starts a random hugging dance with her cardboard sitars, waiting for our hero...

...who has come running to the beach... right after his convocation. 

(No, she didn't attend his convocation. Phir dance kaun karega?)

And because he is Govinda, his degree scroll is.... a flute. 

Our heroine has been told, "Jab tak tere paaon chalenge, Govinda ki tarakki hogi." 

And she is taking it seriously. 

For it is true. 

See? He is now a navy guy. Because she never stopped dancing. 

Please take a moment to admire this bit of choreography. He literally runs away from her to do his signature step and runs back to her. Wow.

He looks all set in life, but she knows her job is not done. Gotta keep dancing. Maybe only then will be become like maybe an army officer and maybe he will marry her and she can finally stop dancing. 

Oooh, has her dream has come true? 

Nope, not yet. 

'Cos he still has the air force to conquer, you see. 

Out comes the apsara costume. If this won't get him flyin', she doesn't know what will. 

Aaaaaand... bingo!

Behind every successful man is a dancing apsara. Enjoy. 

X is for unknown (and hence you will have to put up with whatever song I put up)

Ok guys, I tried.

But there are no Hindi movie songs that start with X.

At first, I thought I'd cheat and feature that song from that movie Style and call it 'Xcuse me, kya re?' Or pick a song like 'Ek sawaal main karoon' and call it 'X sawaal main karoon', or 'Ek sapna maine dekha' as 'X apna maine dekha', but it all got a bit too... algebraic.

And then I thought — if I'm cheating, I might as well go all the way.

So I decided that X is unknown, which means this is a wild card song, which means any song will do, which means I could just pick anything from my very long 'almost made it' songs' list.

This song is from a 2012 movie called Aiyyaa, in which Rani Mukherji plays a Marathi girl obsessed with a Tamilian boy. She has bizarre dream sequences involving the two of them, such as the one featured in graphic detail in this song, a song that can only be described as Rani Mukherji's audition video for The Dirty Picture.

It's a pity that Aiyyaa released a year later than The Dirty Picture, because if this song had come out first, there was no doubt that Rani Mukherji would have been a strong contender for the role of Silk. Just check her out in the song and you'll know what I'm talking about. (By the way, isn't it delightful to see someone so out of her comfort zone and yet so comfortable in it?)

So the song starts with a normal-looking Rani Mukherji...

...before she transforms into...

THIS. 

If her actions are shocking you as un-Rani-esque, just check out these lyrics:

Dreamum wakeuppam critical conditionum

Hey earthum quakepum hil dul sab shakeupum

Face to faceum dharti putram

Top to baseum kama sutram

There is also talk of thunder thighs and mattering size. 

Thighsum thunderum 
Downum underum
Sizeum matterum
Thinkum wonderum

It only gets worse. 

Jumpingum...
Pumpingum...
Throbbingum...
Thumpingum...
Streelingum...
Pullingum...

Heart beatnum dhol peetnum
Love lust double kasht
Bada dheetnum

The two pictures below very aptly describe how many Rani fans reacted to this song. Shock and awe. Pure shock and awe. 

Yeh... body heatnum
Hot seatnum
Calling fire brigade bhi defeatnum

We must also take a moment to admire Prithviraj's mindblowing outfits in the song. Please, do not miss them. Well, I guess you can't. Even if you want to.

Enjoy this nightmareum called Dreamum Wakeupum. 

W is for 'White white face dekhe, dilwa beating fast sasura'

Today's post is for my friend and Sayesha's bar ki longtime bewdi Sandy who messaged me at 8.51 am yesterday to politely inform me that the V song was too normal and too lovely to be in this list.

(Hey, but I never said this blogathon was for abnormal songs only! In fact, to be honest, when I embarked on the A-Z blogathon this year, I thought I'd have a mix of songs, some terrible, some great, some memories, some favourites, some anecdotes, some analyses, etc. But then the whole damned thing took a life of its own. I blame the gifs. You cannot gif a good song.)

Anyway, to make up for yesterday's 'normal' song, today I have the most abnormal song that I could possibly think of. And whattawow that it starts with W (though it is known as 'Dil dance maare' in the circles where it is, um, known).

Do not let the song title fool you. This is not a song from a Bhojpuri movie. This is very much a legit Bollywood song from a legit Bollywood movie starring no fewer than four A-listers.

Presenting from the 2008 movie Tashan, the most bizarre song we have seen/heard in recent times...

White white face dekhe dilwa beating fast sasura chance maare re
O very, o very, o very happy in my heart, dil dance maare re 
Dil dance maare, dance maare, dil yeh dance maare
Oye happy in my heart, dil dance maare re!

And here we have our lead trio, wearing three of the most ridiculous wigs to ever have been manufactured on the planet.

I see this and all I wanna say is, "Taali aur harmonium ek haath se nahin bajte, Saif."

We are also introduced to the infamous size zero butt of the one and only Kareena Kapoor.

She really looks like a Barbie doll here. And that is not a compliment.

And we have Akshay Kumar, who, um, is wearing and doing heaven knows what.

And then the three of them dance together. To the most bizarre lyrics ever. 

O can't stop my feet

Zulamwa kare hain jaalim beat

Why does this step remind me of some daad khaaj khujli ad?

And what dance step is this? Did they decide to choreograph it themselves?

The mind-blowing lyrics continue. 

Rose ke jaisan pink pink

Humre gaal gulaabi

Sky jaisan blue blue

 Tohare nain saraabi

Bhola chehra jaise moon

Kali zulfen jaise cloud

Ab na aur chhupaya jaaye

Dhadkan ho gayi very loud

Kali zulfen?? Say what?!

Can you imagine what must be going through the minds of the firang background dancers? Like WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? They are lip-syncing so they obviously have learnt the song and can understand it in snatches. This is what they'd have understood from the first stanza —"White white face beating fast chance very happy in my heart dance". 

I mean, it's nice that they have employment, but they look almost as ridiculous as our movie stars. 

Oh, here's the best part of the lyrics. 

Haan tohra dil ka theatre ma
Dil deewana boooooking advance maare re

O very o very

O very happy in my heart, dil dance maare re 

Too bad that what happened to the movie Tashan in the theatres was quite the opposite.

This one's for you, Sandy.

Baaki bewde log bhi dekh hi lo. 

V is for 'Vaada karo, nahin chhodogi tum mera saath'

I think it was the year Mom broke the news to me. Along with my heart.

She told me that Meena Kumar's dancing feet in Pakeezah belonged to Padma Khanna.

*GASP*

And that was my shocking introduction to the world of body doubles. And that's also when I started questioning everything I saw in the movies.

Now this song, from the 1973 movie Aa Gale Lag Ja, is a very popular and catchy song, made catchier by the fact that the two main leads, dressed up as Aladdin and Jasmine, performed the entire song on roller skates.

Or did they? *suspenseful music*

As a kid, I'd heard the song a million times on the radio (and loved it with all my heart, and still do), but seen it only once or twice. After finding out about body doubles, I'd started wondering if Shashi Kapoor and Sharmila Tagore really knew how to skate (back then, it was an otherworldly skill to me). I remembered this song last week when I took Xena ice-skating. So I made a mental note about carrying out a proper investigation into this ghotala.

So let's get cracking.

Okay, so it's obvious that he is a decent skater...

...and it's also obvious that she can't skate very well. In fact, throughout the song, you will see that she prefers to strut instead. Now the real question is -- is she even wearing skates for the struting?

Looking at her confidence in this dance move, I'd say maybe not.

And that's most definitely not her! Body double to the rescue!

But soon, you realise that okay, she can skate a bit. But thanks to the clever choreography, her amateur moves are all tucked away. Whenever she's about to fall, he comes to her rescue, and it's masked as a dance move.

And when he's not there, the bar is. 

Nothing like a bar to pick you up when you're down, eh? Any kinda bar. 

Suddenly you realise that they are actually in a skating competition. With judges and trophies and shit. 

No wonder they decide to up their game... by incorporating random acts of violence into their skating. He shoots her veil off. 

But she's not the one to take it lying down. She comes at him with a knife, but he manages to protect himself. Using nothing but his... CHEST HAIR. Take that, lady!

C'mon, get your skates on and enjoy the ride. 

U is for 'Ui amma, ui amma, mushkil yeh kya ho gayi'

As we all know, everything flies in Bollywood. Dupattas, scarfs, handkerchiefs, flimsy plotlines, everything.

But what you're about to witness, from the 1983 movie Mawaali, is one of its kind.

One, a sari flies off. No, not from a clothesline but from a person's body. Said person was alive and well and was wearing the sari at the time the incident was reported.

The 5-metre-long sari just came off her body and flew up into the sky. Just like that. Up, up and away.

It's like Draupadi and the... antiKrishna?

And here's the bigger shocker — it wasn't just anybody's sari. It was Jaya Prada's sari. Jaya Prada, whose name itself immediately brings a sari-clad bhabhi figure to mind. How Jaya Prada consented to shooting an entire song in only her blouse and petticoat is seriously beyond me.

And we also have Jeetendra, looking rather lecherously at her. 

So at first, she's feeling all conscious and has both her hands over her chest, while Jeetendra does his usual Jumping Jack routine. 

Ok, she's now feeling better and only needs one hand across her chest. 

Some more weird dancing and now both hands are off!

Of course, the lyrics offer a perfectly valid justification of this bizarre incident.

She sings: Ui amma, ui amma, mushkil yeh kya ho gayi...

He sings: Tere badan mein toofan utha toh sari hawa ho gayi!

Ah ok, that explains it. Thanks, Jeetu. 

Suddenly, she spots some clotheslines along the beach, with many many clothes hanging to dry. Wow, a buffet of sorts. So she decides to use the beach as her personal changing room...

... and models a couple of outfits for him. 

Finally, she finds and puts on a pink sari and starts dancing again. 

But her joy is short-lived. 

Vastra-haran round II happens and the furious washerwomen take off with the sari. 

She then decides to go back to her original yellow outfit. 

Okay, what's happening here? Not sure if he's trying to murder her or baptise her. 

Please also note random bikini-clad firang women splashing her. 

And finally, after much sari-free dancing and prancing...

The lajja wastra miraculously returns!
Krishna's also had it with these two, I think. Le, pehen le, please. 

And oh, in case the tune sounds really familiar, Bappi Lahiri used this as the standard for the 'Ooh la la' song in The Dirty Picture to capture the glorious '80's wala music wala feel.

I'm sari for making you watch this. 

T is for 'Tu mera Superman, tu meri lady'

This song, from the 1988 movie Dariya Dil, has to be seen to be believed.

Told ya. 

Yup, it's Govinda and Kimi Katkar, in Superman and Spidergirl outfits respectively. Just casually flying, ya know. 

And I have to clarify that is is not a superhero movie. It's just a regular movie, with some irregular moves.

"Tuuuu meraaaaa Supermannnn!" She sings.

"Tuuuu meriiiii..." He starts off and then realises he cannot say Spidergirl because she's only just wearing the outfit, you know, and doesn't really have any superpowers, and also has too much hair to fit into a Spiderman mask anyway, so he completes it with "laaadyyyy".

Yes, let's put it all together, for it is incredible.

Tu mera Superman...
Tu meri lady...
Ho gaya hai apna 
Pyaar already...

And as if this wasn't enough to undermine her, we have the following wonderful words.

She sings: Humdard hai tu, kamzoro ka hai sahara...

He sings: Tujhe mere liye ambar se gaya hai utaara...

So he's there to be hamdard and sahara to the kamzors of the world, but she's just there to hang out with him and do mid-air dances with him.

Yep, they sure do some very high-level dancing. 

And not just any dance. The most ridiculous airborne dance you can think of.

They fly in, um, all positions.

But... they are not high all the time. They also get down and dirty.

This only makes me wanna say one thing — "Gogoji, aapka ghaghra."

Oh, by the way, look at this picture closely. So Superman DOES wear a chaddi inside too. 

(Yes, your whole life has been a lie.) 

Winners of the 'Weirdest Ballroom Dance Move Ever' award. 

So the hamdard and sahara of the kamzors stops dancing when he sees a woman being assaulted...

...and comes to the rescue. And how. Whattawow.

The kamzors are thanking them, but they find themselves unable to wave goodbye without continuing their dance. It's all about keeping the momentum, yo. 

Watch it to believe it. 

S is for 'Susu aa gaya, main kya karoon?'

No, I did not just make it up.

I'm serious. There is such a song.

So in this spectacular song about susu from the '97 movie Tarazu, Akshay Kumar is surrounded by a whole buncha kids who need to pee. Urgently.

Yes. All of them. At the same time. And there is no toilet nearby.

No, seriously. They literally pull their pants down and squirm in their chaddis.

And here's Akshay telling them, "Ja, jhaadi ke peechhe ja!"

Check out the deep and meaningful lyrics. 

Su su su, aa gaya main kya karoon?
Su su su, aa gaya main kya karoon?
Su su su, aa gaya main kya karoon?
Su su su, aa gaya main kya karoon?

Help! I don't know if I should laugh or be horrified at this!

We are also shown the full hairy extent of his chest. One look at him now and you go "OW OW OW that wax job must have hurt like hell!"

Anyway, so Akshay continues singing.

Are tum logon ki ye mushkil
Hal karne mein aaunga
Thodi thodi doori pe
Shauchalay banaunga!

So basically, this song was a prequel to his Toilet -- Ek Prem Katha.

Finally, oh finally, he comes across a toilet! He summons the troops.

The kids have all peed, so yay yay yay! But then he suddenly realises he needs to pee too!

So he goes around trying to find a suitable public spot to pee.

And finally, he pees. And the song ends. Yes, they literally end the song with a clear view of his peeing face.

I feel so bad for Kumar Sanu for the kind of songs they had him singing sometimes. How he must miss his glorious Aashiqui days. 

From Saanson ki zaroorat hai jaise to Susu ki zaroorat hai jaise...

R is for 'Ruk ruk ruk, arre baba ruk'

Now this is a very interesting song for multiple reasons. First off, it's not a song one would generally associate with our two-time National Award- and four-time Filmfare Critics Award-winning Tabassum Fatima Hashmi, fondly known as Tabu.

Not only does the song seem out of the character for the serious actor that we know her as, this song was also out of character for songs from that era in general, because for once, it was a girl harassing a boy on the streets! (Not that we condone any form of street harassment, but this sure was a breath of fresh air in those days.)

This song from the '94 movie Vijaypath was sung by the inimitable Alisha Chinai. Tabu won the Filmfare Best Debut award for the movie.

 The song starts off with Tabu playing Chinese whispers with a bunch of roadside beggars, who then proceed to do a very coordinated dance.

It is obvious from the way she is walking that Tabu either needs to pee urgently, or had a sleepover at the Eli re Eli sisters' house, thus wrecking her back.

Anyway, she sees Ajay Devgn (back when the 'a' in 'Devgan' was intact) and starts stalking and harassing him with her squad.

Check out the lyrics. 

Ab meri zid hai banoongi teri bride

Warna tere saamne karungi suicide

Kar de green tera red signal

Love shove kar le too baba no kal

Hey dekha jabse maine tujhko hua mujhko fascination

Meri aankhon ne diya hai tujhko pehla invitation

Mere dil pe ho gaya hai tere dil ka lamination

Hold my hand raja, kyon hai tujhko hesitation

Itna gussa itna anger, kyon hai tujhko frustration

Tere mere do dilon ki manjil toh hai love station

Sabse pehle aai hoon karne dil ka reservation

Tu jo chahe le le mere dil ka examination

But Ajay is not at all interested because he has more important things to do. He has vowed not to take off his sunglasses till he has avenged the death of the friend who donated him the eyes behind said sunglasses. No seriously, that is the plot of the movie.

Tabu is determined though. She has some bizarre dance moves up her sleeve, with her gang backing her up by wearing yellow raincoats and carrying big umbrellas in the middle of a sunny day.

Then she changes into an outfit made from the leftovers of Sanjay Dutt's Khalnayak outfit.

Time for a costume change again. This time, she has brought a bunch of cartoon characters along. If this won't get a grownass man to say YES, I don't know what will.

The bizarre lyrics continue. 

Chahe Miss India ho, chahe Miss World

Mere jaise nahin koi beauty queen

Meri ada meri baatein, sabse juda

Dekh dekh dekh, mai hoon gudiya haseen

Cake, pastry, sandwich, hamburger ya butter roll

Sabse mai hoon tasty, sun le main hoon baby doll

Gussa teri goli jaisa, bol talwaar se

Dil ka shikaar kar, honey jara pyaar se

Tu jo nahin mana, tujhe kar loongi kidnap

Love ki chain se, baandhugi sweet chap

Tujhko karoongi drown, dil ki gehri jheel mein

Ho jayega fit tu, yar dil ki reel me

Please take a moment to appreciate the redness of Tabu's red costume.


What do we have here now -- red and white polka-dotted dress with matching scarf tied around her hair, red and white polka dotted earrings, red tights, red nails, and red and white socks. 

Okay, I don't know what dance-yoga move this is.

Gosh, they are now physically assaulting him. Run, Ajay, run. Ride for the hills!

Enjoy this different side of Tabu!

Q is for 'Qarar khoya muhabbat mein is zamaane ne'

You know how Karisma Kapoor in the 90s used to have this really, really annoying habit of not looking at the hero while he'd be singing love ballads to her? There he'd be, right next to her, looking at her, professing his undying love for her, and there she'd be, grinning at the camera in a 'Look at me, I'm SO beautiful!' pose. (Never found her beautiful, to be honest.)

Yes, quite a few heroines of that era did the same, but Karisma did it more than anyone else.

Let my gifs refresh your memory about what I'm referring to.

You only discover where she got this habit from when you watch a movie or a song featuring her mommy Babita. It is very clear that Karisma, having watched way too many of mommy's movies, never got over that hangover and continued behaving like how heroines used to behave two decades before her time.

We will now examine the exact same behaviour in her mommy from this 1969 movie Anjaana.

See? She will not look at him!

Now we will take a moment to step back and examine our heroine's outfit...

...which is straight out of an outer space movie. 

But this movie is a not an outer space movie. This movie is about a wealthy girl who falls in love with a gareeb mechanic. Her parents are livid, but she can find no flaw in him.

Except for one, maybe. 

Pappu can't dance sala. 

This is what happens when you ask someone like Rajendra Kumar, "Sir, thoda dance karte-karte heroine ke paas jaaiye.'

Director: "Sir, let's try again, sir. Dance as you walk towards her."

"Ummm... Sir, less creepy next time, okay?"

"Sir, why don't we do this? Just follow her lead and dance with her."

"Okay, forget it. Cameraman, just focus on the heroine, okay?"

Obligatory soft focus shot to make the heroine look "even more beautiful" (Gaaaah, whatever she's doing with her chin and lips makes me want to throw something at her!)

She's at it again! Refuses to look at him! Decades later, her daughter is going to copy this exact move and drive us batty in the same manner.

Enjoy this offering!

P is for 'Prem patra aaya hai, usne bulaya hai'

Does anyone remember the cuties from the '90s?

In particular, the cuties whose Bollywood careers refused to take off? Vikas Bhalla, Prithvi, Avinash Wadhawan, Vivek Mushran, Kamal Sadanah, Atul Agnihotri, Inder Kumar, Sumit Sehgal, Chandrachur Singh, Sudesh Berry? Any more?

(Sorry, Harish fans. Your man doesn't fall in the 'cuties from the '90s' category. More like the 'Arre isko hero kisne bana diya???' category.)

Before moving on to today's post, I absolutely have to declare that once upon a time I was madly in love with Vikas Bhalla and I even followed some horrendous daily Hindi soap because he was in it and then the story went into some weird punarjanam territory and it was too much even for me so I stopped.

So this song from the 1992 movie Geet features one such '90s cutie -- Avinash Wadhavan.

Our hero wears a black cap with the word 'FAN' hand-painted on it. Because the 'FRIEND' cap from Maine Pyaar Kiya was so 1989, you see. 

He has just received a love letter and as you will see, is very excited about it.

Someone please tell me what's going on with the red water in the pot.

And then he goes to a primitive photocopier, squirts some ink over the top and slots the love letter in!

I'm thinking, oh maybe he wants to make a copy in case he loses the valuable original? How sweet. 

But no, sir, no. We're not talking about ONE copy here. Man here has gone bonkers.

And then he goes more bonkers. He starts handing them out on the streets, like it's some kind of flyer announcing the opening of a new beauty parlour. 

He hands a copy to the postman. And a couple to the bhaji wali. Subah subah bohni ke time pe...

Of course, the women tell him exactly what they think of it.

He even thinks it's ok to share the contents of the love letter with a bunch of impressionable children.

See, even the littlest boy knows — yeda ho gaya hai kya?

And then he goes and skips a bit with the womenfolk. After all, it's a village and that's what grownass village women do all day.

He's also an artist who only has three colours — yellow, red and black. And you're so excited to see what he's going to paint with it, aren't you? His lady love's portrait, maybe? Ooh. How romantic.

And when he's done and steps back to admire his artwork, realisation strikes you.

GASP! HE'S A SERIAL KILLER! AND A CORPSE MUTILATOR!

For your viewing pleasure. 

O is for 'O laal dupatte wali, tera naam toh bata'

Oh 90s. Dear, dear 90s. What an era.

The age of (no) innocence.

The age of tasteless dance moves.

The age of harassment, justified. Harassment, glorified.

Presenting a signature song from the '93 movie Ankhen, which made girls all over India put away their red dupattas and black kurtis in storage. Forever.

The song starts with Govinda and Chunky Pandey prancing around in signature Govinda clothes. I don't know who is worse in identical clothes -- the Eli re eli sisters or these two brudders from two mortified mudders.

While Govinda demonstrates appropriate roadside behaviour...

Chunky Pandey decides to talk to Raageshwari's tummy like some expectant father.

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF A DANCE MOVE IS THIS?!

And, um, this is how they apologise for their misbehaviour.

But the girls come around, of course. That's the whole point of these songs. 

I don't know what is more disturbing -- their gestures shown above or their lyrics shown below.

Pehli mulaakat mein ladki nahin khulti

Har ajnabi pe dil ki yeh khidki nahin khulti

Khidki nahin khulti, yeh khidki nahin khulti

Yeh khidki nahin khultiiiiiii.... haan!

Govinda shows a few more of his moves...

...while Chunky Pandey continues talking to his unborn baby.

Then very suddenly, the four of them decide to enter the Punjab Youth Club BANGARA competition.

Though to be honest, this doesn't at all look like a bhangra move to me.

Enjoy the cringe-fest. 

N is for 'Nayak nahin, khalnayak hoon main'

Of course everyone knows and remembers this song. It was one of a kind.

BUT.

Does anyone remember the picturisation?

And the costumes?

Without further ado, let me present our item girl Ramya Krishnan...

Bling it on, girl!


Unchallenged winner of 'worst item girl outfit EVER' award.

And here's our main man Sanjay Dutt...

 ...casually dressed in a garbage bag... 

...or maybe he went to a hair salon and walked out midway without taking off the sheet they put around him. 

To solve this sartorial mystery, we need to take a closer look at his hair.

Yup, that settles it. He was definitely in the middle of a haircut.

So he removes his, uh, overalls, and if you ask me, the garbage bag was better than what he's got underneath. 

So let's see now — he's got a black hat with white polka dots, a black tie with white polka dots, a blazer that has black and white stripes on one side and a black and white checkered pattern on the other, a black shirt, black pants, white socks and black shoes. And the underside of his garbage bag also has white polka dots. 

And oh, his black sunglasses have white stripes too. 

Even the background dancers feel sorry for what he was made to wear. Look at them tsk-tsking.

Even his weird dance moves can't distract you from his clothes. But do check out his 'be still, my beating heart' move.

To give a break to the eyes of the audience after having witnessed that black and white spectacle, the camera breaks away to show the other actors in the movie too.  

Brief given to Madhuri - "Look angry."

Brief given to Jackie - "Look angry."

Brief given to Rakhi - "Look angry, BUT also like you know that tere Karan Arjun aayenge, zameen ki chhaati phad ke aayenge, aasman ka seena cheer ke aayenge."

Enjoy this nalayak song.

M is for 'Mere paas aaoge, mere saath naachoge?'

Okay, so for some weird reason, as a kid I knew ALL the songs of the '85 movie Tarzan. This is, of course, perfectly explained by the fact that for some weirder reason, I owned the audio cassette of Tarzan.

Yes, that Tarzan, the oooOOOooo Tarzan, with Kimi Katkar and Mr India 1982 Hemant Birje. 

I don't know why but if you ask me even now, I can break into 'Jile le jile le aayo aayo jile le' instantaneously. (Don't judge. Those songs were really catchy, okay? Okay!)

So the song starts with Ruby asking Tarzan where his friends are. Because obviously, you gotta see what kinda friends the dude has before you decide to date him.

And so he summons them.

They are not quite what she expected.

What jungli friends he has! Quite literally so.

So she asks them, as any normal person would, upon encountering wild animals in the jungle.

Mere saath aaoge?
Mere saath naachoge?
Mere saath jhoomoge?

Her friends take an instant liking to her! In fact, it looks like they have a roaring time with her!

But then, she gets a little too close for comfort with them. 

Just because it's an Indian tiger, don't think that it's ok to do namaste to it. EVER. 

Unless of course, it wants to do namaste to you. Then it's ok and you can continue prancing around it.

But there are limits to what you can do. The jungle has its rules, after all. For instance, you do NOT do this to wild elephants. EVER.

By now he's realised that ladki thodi psycho hai.

Quoting SRK in DDLJ, "Ay, isko leke jao re!"

Enjoy the wild side of Bollywood!